See Kirk's Head

"Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man-there's your diamond in the rough."

For about a year now Carter has been obsessed with the fact that our friend Kirk is bald. It's sweet how concerned he is, but kind of annoying too, because he just won't let it go. He's always talking about what we can do to help. His best solution is to give Kirk our old "mad scientist"wig we bought a few years ago for a Halloween costume. Once he even asked if he could ride over to his house on his bike and deliver the gift. In his little mind, he would be delivering not only the gift, but also delivering Kirk from the miserable suffering that being bald MUST be. He's so full of compassion!

Anyway, it's been a while since Carter's mentioned it so I assumed he'd forgotten about it. Friday night we had friends over for Justin's birthday, and of course, Kirk was there. You should've seen the look on Carter's face when he realized the time of deliverance had finally come. Kirk was a very good sport! In honor of the special event, I've written a book. Enjoy.

See Kirk's Head

This is Kirk.

Kirk is bald.

See Kirk's bald head.

This is Carter.

Carter is grossed out by Kirk.

See Carter grossed out.

This is our wig.

Carter wants Kirk to have the wig.

Kirk said he will wear the wig.

Carter is happy. See Carter happy.

This is Danielle. She is Kirk's wife. She laughed so hard she cried.

The End.

Behavior Report

"When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear."---Mark Twain

So, the other day Carter came home with something stapled to his backpack. He said it was very important and that I should read it right away and then look for an email from his teacher.

It was a behavior report.

I've never, ever, gotten one of these before. My heart sunk.

No one wants their kid to be the naughty kid.

After I read it, I understood. And began to laugh.

This is what it said:

"Academically, Carter is very successful, knowing all his letters and sounds. He is one of the first kids to feel that he can really write what he knows, and feels confident about it. Carter is by far the most mature child in the class. However, he gets annoyed and loses his patience with the other kids at his table. Every once in a while he acts out with unkind words"

Gee. Who else do we know that has always been way too mature for his own good? Who else do we know that loses patience with others when they're not as smart as him?

AAAHH. I love my husband. And I love my boys. But I especially love it when I see my husband IN my boys.

And for the record.......Mrs. Wallace......Carter is not as mature as you think he is.....

Look what I found on my camera. I guarantee this was Carter's idea!

Carter's Birthday Party...MasterCard Style

Invitations, party hats, napkins, and plates......$13

Harry Potter wands and ties for every guest.....$8.15

Jamon's old pair of reading glasses........$122

Supplies for "Potions" class........$22.37

The fact that not a single kid who came to the party knew who Harry Potter was......Priceless

Oh well, happy birthday Carter! I can't believe my baby is 6. We love you!

Baby duty

"A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."--Jerry Seinfeld

My brother and his wife are in Hawaii for 8 days. We have the baby while their away. She's almost two and I have to say there is so much I'd forgotten about having a little one.

For instance, I had forgotten that you can't give a baby applesauce and then walk away.....

Or take a shower and assume the toilet paper will be fine....

or expect the house to stay clean.....

I had forgotten that one poopy diaper will smell up the whole house.

HOWEVER.....

I also forgot how much I love rocking a baby to sleep.

I forgot how much I love the smell of baby lotion.

I forgot how much joy a little one can bring to a home.

You wouldn't believe how many people have asked me this week if she makes me want to have another one. The answer is no.

Compassionate Service

"The only true way to prove you have lost your inner child is if you don't laugh when you hear the word "poop"."

Dear Reader:

I understand that this post will be inappropriate. My last one was also. But, what you don't understand is that as the only girl in my house, I'm surrounded by inappropriate material all of the time. It's just how it goes when you live with a family that thinks bodily functions are hilarious (husband included)....so, here we go:

As I stepped out of the shower this morning I heard screaming. Not the "that's my toy...give it back" scream or the "I'm overly tired and whiny" scream. Those I can tune out. This was the "I'm hurt!" scream.

I ran to find Carter in his bathroom, sitting on the toilet. He was working on something painful. Yep. The dreaded constipation. I went in to try to calm him down and help him through it. That's when Jamon showed up.

"Mom, I got this. This has happened to me before" he said. He motioned for me to leave and he closed the door behind me. He was holding a stool and a magazine.

I REALLY had a hard time not laughing. It was so cute and sweet, but so gross at the same time.

"Whatta a great brother", I thought. Here he is, home from school sick (with a queazy stomach no less) and he's willing to help his brother with his "poop" problem. So, I left and went back to my bathroom to finish getting ready. After a few minutes I went to check on them. Here's what I heard:

"Is it any better?"

Through tears: "No. Go get mom."

"Buddy, she won't feel bad for ya..she's given birth. I'm sure that's worse."

Ba ha haha ha ha !

You got that right Jamon! It reminded me of City Slickers when Curly says to Mitch: "I crap bigger than you!"

Anyway, I would've taken a picture of the whole adorable scene, but I'm pretty sure If I post naked potty pictures on my blog, I'll end up in jail.

X Rated Bingo

Tonight was family game night. We decided to play the new Bingo game the boys got for Christmas from their sort- of -adopted great grandma. So, the five of us settled down and began. We were having fun playing and taking turns being the "caller". Being the caller was kind of fun because you got to spin this bad boy.....

Yeah, pretty sweet, I know. So after a while Carter wants to be the caller. We were all a little apprehensive about this because...well...he's five. I personally didn't think he could recognize two-digit numbers all the way to 75. He quickly proved us wrong. After a while we stopped double-checking the balls because he was spot-on every time. The only problem was he kept calling them "nuts" instead of balls. Not really a huge deal until his oldest brother tried to help him catch a stray ball that had fallen out of the wheel.

"Don't touch my nuts!" he yelled.

Instant. Laughter.

Now normally Justin serves as the family's moral compass, but he was laughing just as hard as Camdon and Jamon. So, it was up to me to say things like: "Knock it off!" "That's completely inappropriate!" Blah. Blah. Blah. No one was listening and Carter doesn't realize what's so funny. He's just five and still pure and innocent. He hasn't yet been corrupted by the world and it's inappropriate slang terms for human body parts. So, his little feelers are hurt because as far as he can tell everyone just busted up laughing at him for no reason at all. He got up to leave mumbling something about how someone else can "finish calling the nuts cuz he's outta here!"

I convinced him to rejoin the game and we ended up playing black out. Justin won and we all went to the kitchen to enjoy our Bingo prizes...yogurt covered pretzels and milk before bed.

While the boys were enjoying their spoils, Justin and I had a good laugh. It was then he brought up a very good point:

If Carter is ever approached by a pedophile...he'll know EXACTLY what to say!

Bronco Nation Stinks.....

Justin had the amazing opportunity to go to the Fiesta Bowl. He and four other guys (one of them was Brian, his brother) drove down in an RV. They left right after the game got over and drove straight through the night. It was something like 2000 miles in 72 hours.

I picked him up tonight and after we started driving home he sniffed a couple of times and asked: "have you been smoking in here?" Obviously I don't smoke...

"That's you!" I said.

"What is it?", he asked.

"Diesel fuel and man stink."

"Ya, we didn't really get to shower much...."

Ya think? Five guys in a little RV sharing beds and eating burritos...

MMMM...welcome home honey!