Lessons in child-rearing

As I sat at my youngest son's preschool graduation this week

it dawned on me that this is a pretty significant milestone in my life.  Come this fall, I'll have no little ones left at home.  As I pondered the last 11 years, I came to the conclusion that I'm thrilled to have this chapter in my life be over.  I'm sure that sounds bad to some of you , but all I can say is Woo-Hoo!!  

In honor of MY graduation from this stage of parenting I'm posting this hilarious commentary on having little ones in your home.  For those of you who are not yet parents, I urge you to consider the following 10 step program before you begin:

Lesson 1
  1. Go to the grocery store.

 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
 3. Go home.
 4. Pick up the paper.
 5. Read it for the last time.
  
 Lesson 2
 A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
 1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

 2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
 3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
 4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
 7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
 9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
 Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
  
 Lesson 3
 Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
 4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
 5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
 6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
  
 Lesson 4
 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
 1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
 Time allowed for this - all morning.
  
 Lesson 5
 Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
 Leave it there.
 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
 4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
  
 Lesson 6
 Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
  
 Lesson 7
 1. Hollow out a melon.
 2. Make a small hole in the side.
 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
 6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
 You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
  
 Lesson 8
 Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Tele tubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
  
 Lesson 9
 Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
  
 Lesson 10
 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 9 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
  

I know I've been neglecting my blog.  I love that so many of you have noticed and inquired about my absence.  It's just that I was so busy getting ready for finals.  My Eastern Civ class was kickin' my butt and I wanted to come out on top.  I studied hard for finals and it paid off.  A- in the class! I wasn't too worried about my poly sci final, but I still wanted to be prepared.  The teacher has yet to post the grades, but I feel pretty good about it.  

Then to make things even more complicated, I got called to serve in the stake primary presidency  last week.  First assignment:  11 year old day camp.  I'm so sun burnt.  Second assignment:  Ward conference today.  Uuuhhh?  What are we supposed to do at a ward conference? 

Anyway, these are the things that keep me from my blog.  But, the dust seems to be settling in my life. My little white vitamins have come to terms with my body's natural chemistry, the semester is over and declared a success, and I don't think this stake thing will be a big deal. In fact, in some ways I think it'll be easier than running the primary at the ward level.  

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm back!  And to celebrate, I'll post twice in one day!  

Here's to Justin and the boys for their support.  No one complained that dinner didn't seem to be as good as it used to be (or as often as it used to be for that matter), no one complained that the housework wasn't always getting done, and Justin took over for me in showing the boys a good time.  Here's what they've been up to:

Justin always manages to capture a great shot!  Well, gotta go, but I'll be seein' ya around.  I promise.

Evil influences...

Saturday night Justin and I decided to take a little drive.  Kuna is a cute little town and it's fun to roll down the windows in the jeep and cruise around to see what's going on.  Anyway, Carter asked if he could come with us.  The following conversation occurred: 

Carter: "Dad, turn down that music and STOP singing!"

Justin:  "It's my car and I'll do what I what to in it."

Carter:  "Oh yeah?  Well then I'll just get out.........BURN !

Justin:   "How is that a burn to me?  You'll be the one walking home."

Carter: "Oh yeah?  Well, I don't know the way home.......BURN ! 

Justin:  (quietly laughing) "again.  That's not a burn to me.  That burns you."

I saw where this was going and quickly intervened.   He clearly has some learning to do in the "dishing out insults" department, but where is he learning this stuff?  Most likely the TV as his contact with the outside world is limited to preschool and church.  

Then today he was watching tv with his brothers while I was working  at the computer. During one of the commercial breaks this is what I heard from the family room....

"Get me a juice box Biach." (pronounced Bee-awch...slang for, well, you know).  

I flew out of my chair and promptly announced that that word is not okay and will NEVER BE USED AGAIN!  

Camdon and Jamon sat there quietly ( they know better than to get involved) but their expressions said it all.....

I guess it's time to start paying more attention to the influences I'm allowing into my home.

Proof of Life

To those of you who have ever come into my house and said something like this:  "It doesn't even look like anyone lives here."  Or acussed me of having OCD.  These are for you...

I can't show the one of the toilet because it's too gross! 

Littlest Coed

Carter has been asking all semester if he can go to school with me.  I decided to take him yesterday since it was the last day of a very boring Poly Sci class.  The teacher is so laid back and I new he wouldn't care.  He was adorable as he sat down and unpacked his backpack.  He brought a few quiet books, but mostly drew the whole time.  He was better than I expected him to be.  He was so quiet and well behaved.  He did, however, get a few chuckles when he leaned over and quietly whispered "when's recess?"  

He called Justin right after class to tell him all about his adventure at college.  When Justin asked him what he learned he said, "uumm.  I didn't really understand the words he was saying."  He definitely thought the best part was crossing the bridge.  AAHH life's simple pleasures....

Note to self

If you don't want to answer the question: "what is that smell?" ten times a day, don't build a bathroom RIGHT by the front door!